Day 5

Well this is one time of the day (out of several) that I would usually be checking messenger to see if Soldier was there was there is we had chatted the night before or see if he had left me a message because he had been looking for me. Sad, yes I know.

With the start of summer I'm hoping to make new habits or at least find some routine that works for me that doesn't include obsessively checking messenger or even checking at a certain time of day. It should be different times of day so it doesn't become part of what I do every day.

I hate waking up thinking...I wanna check. It's just never enough.

On a normal note....we're going to the pool~ of course everything must be neat and clean before we go and these chores will hang over their head ALL summer long.....

(10:45)

I celebrated Day 5 with margaritas and a good chat with REAL friends. It's not that messenger is a bad thing or that Soldier is bad, but I'm bad when I obsess over them. I have thought this several times this week, but as the 7 days dwindle to none, I have stronger yearnings to log on. I remind myself that even if I did, Soldier probably wouldn't have left me a message and he probably wouldn't be there to chat with and I would feel worse that I do know. It's not that I feel bad, I don't. I just feel I'm missing something and I think Soldier would fix it.

Part of me swearing off for seven days has been that I realize Soldier is not fixing anything, in fact, he started making "it" worse, and I really need to find the emotionally healthy way to deal with "it".

Summer is here and I will be able to find lots of different ways to amuse myself, even though sometimes I feel there is just nothing for me to do or a place for me to be. Messenger will be okay every once in a while but should not be a daily or regular activity, not for me anyway.

What I really want is to have a friend I can count on to hang out or let me know when they can't hang out, someone who cares what happens to me and my guys. However, this person needs to be close enough that I can actually get to them within a couple of hours at least and who wants to get together. I won't necessarily find a person like this on messenger, but maybe one day I might meet the friend of a friend's cousin's brother-in-law's nephew and we might really hit it off ; ) you never know....