Today I've decided that I will go a week, 7 days, without logging onto Messenger. Seeing as how I haven't gone even ONE day without logging on in 6 months, this will be a significant exercise in self discipline, something I seem to lack.
It's problematic however, because I've used chatting with this particular person (Soldier, as I so affectionately refer to him) to distract me from the awful gnawing pain of being alone, sans husband or significant other, and until recently it was working really well! Hey... if it wasn't broken so there was no need to fix it... right?
Weeeelllll now it's ... complicated... somehow... it was just supposed to make me feel good... right? Somehow I've stumbled into "crazy love". You know, love for crazies. I am one... a crazy.... because only I would find someone equally (if not probably more) crazy than I am to crush on.... on the internet. Yes, that's me... the crazy.
I've been told I should find someone more.... stable? a bit more normal... to even out my craziness. My question is.... but wouldn't that be boring?
Regardless, I've been in an extreme emotional roller coaster of a relationship for 7 years. I don't seem to know when I'm fighting a losing battle. Is it because I just don't know when to quit... or because I'm irrationally optimistic? Unfortunately, Soldier and I have run into some issues and I just can't seem to please him and he is not giving me the attention he gave me before....everything has changed. The freakishly emotionally masochistic part of me of course wants to continue, to try to fix it, make it like it was before. I am rooting for the small reasonable, sane voice in my head that gives me little thought like "Run away!" "What the hell are you thinking?" "Oh, PLEASE, not another one...." After all, I am forty now and I have promised myself that my forties WILL be different from the thirties!!
So I find myself swearing off messenger for SEVEN DAYS in an attempt to squalsh (is that a word) my overwhelming desire to pursue a fantasy and torture expend all my emotional energy trying to keep Soldier's attention so that I can get a thrill every time I hear the little "pop" his messages make when he sends me one.....and OH! how I love to see that he's typing me another one.
I've made it so far today but this is this most tempting time of the day....the night!!! If I can make it to sleep without logging on...I will have made it one day!
Keep your fingers crossed!!!
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