Day 3

(7:50 a.m.)

Woo hoo!!! Two whole days!!! This is great!!! Ususally I am checking in the morning to see if he has left me a message and I've gone 2 mornings without even a peek!

(7:19 p.m.)

This is by far the most difficult day. I'm irritable, restless and REALLY want to check my offline messages (like there would be one). This is how I usually am when Soldier has gone for 3 days without chatting with me, which used to NEVER happen. He would leave good morning messages for me, and sometimes we would chat 3 times a day. THAT hasn't happened in a loooong time, which is part of the reason I know it's all winding down. I can't get the thrill I used to get, because I don't get the same attention even though I'm all too willing to give it...

Once my good matey, whom I will refer to as Captain Morgan, encouraged me to go one day (just one day!) without logging onto messenger and then offered to present me with a tasty pirate cookie if I could make it a whole THREE days. I failed miserably on both counts, but didn't think it mattered because I actually chatted with Soldier! I scoffed at the pirate cookie... how could a cookie make me feel as good as chatting with Soldier?! Ha!!! ....but the Captain could see all too plainly the tangled web I had created for myself and knew a cookie was what I really needed, not Soldier..... The Captain even reminded me today when I whined that I had nothing to look forward to, that I indeed had much to look forward to... like dark chocolate! Captain Morgan is very wise and had a very good point.....

It became a pattern that Soldier wouldn't contact me Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday, so you would think I would have just stopped looking for him, but NOOOOO....not me! I would pine day in and day out, waiting and hoping desperately for some little message to let me know that he was there and thinking of me. I am truly pitiful!

I believe that Soldier is mostly flattered by my attention and that I've created the reality that he cares for me....stop laughing at me..... however, today mi amiga told me she believes that Soldier is just trying to push me away, which would probably be true in most cases, but of course I believe it's a SPECIAL situation and Soldier is as twisted emotionally as I am. I feel this way in part because if he was bored with me he would simply stop talking to me. However some little humane part of him might be trying to salvage my feelings, so it is probably true.

Captain Morgan agreed with me when I commented that all this drama is only in my head, but also pointed out that that is where most things are. The Captain is so insightful!

The thrill is over and I need to move on, which is what I am attempting to do, and however insane my ramblings are, they are serving a purpose in keeping me focused on a different goal. The goal to protect my feelings and myself, to find emotionally healthier alternatives to deal with the hole I feel inside, and to evaluate my priorities in order to know I am always doing what is best for my children.