Day 7

Well, I have arrived. I determined to do this so that I could see that I am capable of exercising self control and to distance myself so that I could get over Soldier.

I understand better now what it is that I need. My happiness should not be dependent on any person so that I can be happy regardless of what someone else says or does (or doesn't say or do).

So I'm going to learn to be content where I am, with what I have. I have so much to be thankful for. I have nothing to complain about! (So, why do I feel so grouchy? Ha!)

Day 6

Man!!! Seven days is a long freakin' time!!!! I STILL have one more day after today..hmm... I hope I make it....

(after walking a mile in the hot, humid park)

Why would anybody give anything up for seven days? It's stupid. What is the deal about Lent? How long is that? People give up stuff for that...more than seven days...must be near insane by the end of it. Torture...pure torture.... grrrrr!!!!!!

Day 5

Well this is one time of the day (out of several) that I would usually be checking messenger to see if Soldier was there was there is we had chatted the night before or see if he had left me a message because he had been looking for me. Sad, yes I know.

With the start of summer I'm hoping to make new habits or at least find some routine that works for me that doesn't include obsessively checking messenger or even checking at a certain time of day. It should be different times of day so it doesn't become part of what I do every day.

I hate waking up thinking...I wanna check. It's just never enough.

On a normal note....we're going to the pool~ of course everything must be neat and clean before we go and these chores will hang over their head ALL summer long.....

(10:45)

I celebrated Day 5 with margaritas and a good chat with REAL friends. It's not that messenger is a bad thing or that Soldier is bad, but I'm bad when I obsess over them. I have thought this several times this week, but as the 7 days dwindle to none, I have stronger yearnings to log on. I remind myself that even if I did, Soldier probably wouldn't have left me a message and he probably wouldn't be there to chat with and I would feel worse that I do know. It's not that I feel bad, I don't. I just feel I'm missing something and I think Soldier would fix it.

Part of me swearing off for seven days has been that I realize Soldier is not fixing anything, in fact, he started making "it" worse, and I really need to find the emotionally healthy way to deal with "it".

Summer is here and I will be able to find lots of different ways to amuse myself, even though sometimes I feel there is just nothing for me to do or a place for me to be. Messenger will be okay every once in a while but should not be a daily or regular activity, not for me anyway.

What I really want is to have a friend I can count on to hang out or let me know when they can't hang out, someone who cares what happens to me and my guys. However, this person needs to be close enough that I can actually get to them within a couple of hours at least and who wants to get together. I won't necessarily find a person like this on messenger, but maybe one day I might meet the friend of a friend's cousin's brother-in-law's nephew and we might really hit it off ; ) you never know....

Day 4

I have the OVERWHELMING urge to log on! Why? Simply because I might have an offline message. However, I have the sneaking suspicion that even when I log on (IF I log on) after 7 days, there will be no message. Thinking like that is helping curb my craving, so...whatever works!

Captain's and my friend, Jules, expressed the desire to experience crazy love. I'm not sure she knows what she wold be getting herself into, but everyone is certainly entitled to a little irrationality in their lives. The problem with me is that I have no stabilizing factor. This is what I'm working on....

I ran into part of the Fabulous Five today and caught them up on on that latest with Soldier (he is the hot topic after all!). Seems I don't know how to PLAY. I go straight from clicking with someone to "I never want to be without you" (see, Jules, this is the crazy part). THIS could be a flaw....

Playing.... having a good time....not getting "serious".... all things I need to practice.

Now just someone to practice with.....

(9:08 p.m.)

Oh lord....if I make it through tonight.... It's actually a week today that all the crap started with Soldier. I'm halfway through the seven days today. Three more days to go! I'm gonna give the boy a bath and watch a movie.

Day 3

(7:50 a.m.)

Woo hoo!!! Two whole days!!! This is great!!! Ususally I am checking in the morning to see if he has left me a message and I've gone 2 mornings without even a peek!

(7:19 p.m.)

This is by far the most difficult day. I'm irritable, restless and REALLY want to check my offline messages (like there would be one). This is how I usually am when Soldier has gone for 3 days without chatting with me, which used to NEVER happen. He would leave good morning messages for me, and sometimes we would chat 3 times a day. THAT hasn't happened in a loooong time, which is part of the reason I know it's all winding down. I can't get the thrill I used to get, because I don't get the same attention even though I'm all too willing to give it...

Once my good matey, whom I will refer to as Captain Morgan, encouraged me to go one day (just one day!) without logging onto messenger and then offered to present me with a tasty pirate cookie if I could make it a whole THREE days. I failed miserably on both counts, but didn't think it mattered because I actually chatted with Soldier! I scoffed at the pirate cookie... how could a cookie make me feel as good as chatting with Soldier?! Ha!!! ....but the Captain could see all too plainly the tangled web I had created for myself and knew a cookie was what I really needed, not Soldier..... The Captain even reminded me today when I whined that I had nothing to look forward to, that I indeed had much to look forward to... like dark chocolate! Captain Morgan is very wise and had a very good point.....

It became a pattern that Soldier wouldn't contact me Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday, so you would think I would have just stopped looking for him, but NOOOOO....not me! I would pine day in and day out, waiting and hoping desperately for some little message to let me know that he was there and thinking of me. I am truly pitiful!

I believe that Soldier is mostly flattered by my attention and that I've created the reality that he cares for me....stop laughing at me..... however, today mi amiga told me she believes that Soldier is just trying to push me away, which would probably be true in most cases, but of course I believe it's a SPECIAL situation and Soldier is as twisted emotionally as I am. I feel this way in part because if he was bored with me he would simply stop talking to me. However some little humane part of him might be trying to salvage my feelings, so it is probably true.

Captain Morgan agreed with me when I commented that all this drama is only in my head, but also pointed out that that is where most things are. The Captain is so insightful!

The thrill is over and I need to move on, which is what I am attempting to do, and however insane my ramblings are, they are serving a purpose in keeping me focused on a different goal. The goal to protect my feelings and myself, to find emotionally healthier alternatives to deal with the hole I feel inside, and to evaluate my priorities in order to know I am always doing what is best for my children.

Day 2

Oh well....apparently I can't log into my email account either! I logged in and I saw I had three online contacts, which I usually never have and Soldier was there!!! My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe right....oh what a dork I am!!!!

He has never, NEVER!, been available on my email chat before!!! Oh this complicates things and I was doing sooo darn well! I can't ignore the little smiley face lit up! I must have a disease or something.

So yes, yes I did send a little hello, BUT, I did not hang around to see if he responded, which he probably didn't, so I will never know...sigh. What an ass.

That dear friends, is why I am undaunted in my quest to stop missing messenger!!! I don't consider my little lapse as a failure because I did not log into messenger now did I? I was AMBUSHED and fell victim to the crazies. I will be better prepared from now on. I shall take steps to avoid that email address as well for the next SIX days (since I have conquered the first of the seven days) and I will prevail!!!

I bought 3 new pairs of shoes and brie cheese and a reward by the way. (It was BOGO and I did get an additional 20% off)

So DANG!!! I can't check my email!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

(a couple of hours later....)

Time to get off the computer....I'm getting antsy to hear that little "pop" sound and thinking it wouldn't be so bad ......

(after the wine and the cheese)

Well, tonight is a bit more challenging. I know I can make the seven days, but I'm not tired enough to go to sleep and I wish I had some company!

Day 1

I am a 40 year old single mom and I'm addicted to Yahoo Messenger...and to someone on it....

Today I've decided that I will go a week, 7 days, without logging onto Messenger. Seeing as how I haven't gone even ONE day without logging on in 6 months, this will be a significant exercise in self discipline, something I seem to lack.

It's problematic however, because I've used chatting with this particular person (Soldier, as I so affectionately refer to him) to distract me from the awful gnawing pain of being alone, sans husband or significant other, and until recently it was working really well! Hey... if it wasn't broken so there was no need to fix it... right?

Weeeelllll now it's ... complicated... somehow... it was just supposed to make me feel good... right? Somehow I've stumbled into "crazy love". You know, love for crazies. I am one... a crazy.... because only I would find someone equally (if not probably more) crazy than I am to crush on.... on the internet. Yes, that's me... the crazy.

I've been told I should find someone more.... stable? a bit more normal... to even out my craziness. My question is.... but wouldn't that be boring?

Regardless, I've been in an extreme emotional roller coaster of a relationship for 7 years. I don't seem to know when I'm fighting a losing battle. Is it because I just don't know when to quit... or because I'm irrationally optimistic? Unfortunately, Soldier and I have run into some issues and I just can't seem to please him and he is not giving me the attention he gave me before....everything has changed. The freakishly emotionally masochistic part of me of course wants to continue, to try to fix it, make it like it was before. I am rooting for the small reasonable, sane voice in my head that gives me little thought like "Run away!" "What the hell are you thinking?" "Oh, PLEASE, not another one...." After all, I am forty now and I have promised myself that my forties WILL be different from the thirties!!

So I find myself swearing off messenger for SEVEN DAYS in an attempt to squalsh (is that a word) my overwhelming desire to pursue a fantasy and torture expend all my emotional energy trying to keep Soldier's attention so that I can get a thrill every time I hear the little "pop" his messages make when he sends me one.....and OH! how I love to see that he's typing me another one.

I've made it so far today but this is this most tempting time of the day....the night!!! If I can make it to sleep without logging on...I will have made it one day!

Keep your fingers crossed!!!