Something is majorly wrong with me (apparently "majorly" is not a real word...oh well). Why o why would I believe someone I chatted with on the internet would actually have a genuine interest in me?

I guess because I can have a genuine interest with someone I chat with on the internet. Isn't everyone like me?!

I truly desire that I could see myself for the idiot that I apparently am, or in the words of a close friend...dingbat. How can I keep my head in the clouds despite so many negatives and then what is it that makes me so incapable of changing the way I think or the way I feel when the facts are staring me in the face. It's extremely disconcerting to be this way. I must have been made this way for some reason.

I will prevail...

You know, whether I'm at home or at my mom's house, when I'm ready to stop and be alone...I am ready. I resent the patter of feet (feet aren't so little at my house anymore) whether it's Cole, wandering around the house in his obessessive mode, trying to make sure all is right in the world so he can rest, or my mom shuffling around in her slippers, talking aloud (I think to me) and doing whatever it is she does before she can put herself to bed. I want to be left alone with my crazy head and I don't want to be bothered....with anything.

Still the patter goes on....

(30 minutes later)

Will it EVER end?

..........

I think it's safe now. After my seven days, I did sign back on to messenger and for a few days, four actually, I continued to chat. However, I do not like the direction this is heading, "this" being chatting with Tom, Dick and Harry on the internet. People can still reject you, offend you, ignore you and ridicule you. Of course you don't have to talk to them ever again, you can block them, delete them, and even report them as spam if you really wanted. I realize that I don't want to talk to just anyone, I want to talk to someone, someone who wants to talk to me, too. Someone who thinks about me, checks his phone for for my text message and calls to say hello. and I don't know anyone who does that.

Chatting is not something I wish to continue. I have to replace it with another intriguing passtime, something else that will suck me in just as seductively.

I am going to write a book.

.....based on me....

You should read it when I'm done.

Whether I will be successful or whether it will be published, it will be done.

It's very exciting....

The Day After....!

Not one message...not ONE! If I hadn't been boycotting, I would have been sitting there waiting for NOTHING! I was sooo mad, but you know what, I am over it, I am over him. I deleted him from everything, my account, my phone, and my head.

So seven days was great! They did the trick.

When I told my sister I was deleting him she said "are you sure you want to do that?...just a few days ago you didn't want to do that." She had told me a few days ago that I should just delete him, but I wasn't ready. Now I'm ready!

Now it's done.

Day 7

Well, I have arrived. I determined to do this so that I could see that I am capable of exercising self control and to distance myself so that I could get over Soldier.

I understand better now what it is that I need. My happiness should not be dependent on any person so that I can be happy regardless of what someone else says or does (or doesn't say or do).

So I'm going to learn to be content where I am, with what I have. I have so much to be thankful for. I have nothing to complain about! (So, why do I feel so grouchy? Ha!)

Day 6

Man!!! Seven days is a long freakin' time!!!! I STILL have one more day after today..hmm... I hope I make it....

(after walking a mile in the hot, humid park)

Why would anybody give anything up for seven days? It's stupid. What is the deal about Lent? How long is that? People give up stuff for that...more than seven days...must be near insane by the end of it. Torture...pure torture.... grrrrr!!!!!!

Day 5

Well this is one time of the day (out of several) that I would usually be checking messenger to see if Soldier was there was there is we had chatted the night before or see if he had left me a message because he had been looking for me. Sad, yes I know.

With the start of summer I'm hoping to make new habits or at least find some routine that works for me that doesn't include obsessively checking messenger or even checking at a certain time of day. It should be different times of day so it doesn't become part of what I do every day.

I hate waking up thinking...I wanna check. It's just never enough.

On a normal note....we're going to the pool~ of course everything must be neat and clean before we go and these chores will hang over their head ALL summer long.....

(10:45)

I celebrated Day 5 with margaritas and a good chat with REAL friends. It's not that messenger is a bad thing or that Soldier is bad, but I'm bad when I obsess over them. I have thought this several times this week, but as the 7 days dwindle to none, I have stronger yearnings to log on. I remind myself that even if I did, Soldier probably wouldn't have left me a message and he probably wouldn't be there to chat with and I would feel worse that I do know. It's not that I feel bad, I don't. I just feel I'm missing something and I think Soldier would fix it.

Part of me swearing off for seven days has been that I realize Soldier is not fixing anything, in fact, he started making "it" worse, and I really need to find the emotionally healthy way to deal with "it".

Summer is here and I will be able to find lots of different ways to amuse myself, even though sometimes I feel there is just nothing for me to do or a place for me to be. Messenger will be okay every once in a while but should not be a daily or regular activity, not for me anyway.

What I really want is to have a friend I can count on to hang out or let me know when they can't hang out, someone who cares what happens to me and my guys. However, this person needs to be close enough that I can actually get to them within a couple of hours at least and who wants to get together. I won't necessarily find a person like this on messenger, but maybe one day I might meet the friend of a friend's cousin's brother-in-law's nephew and we might really hit it off ; ) you never know....

Day 4

I have the OVERWHELMING urge to log on! Why? Simply because I might have an offline message. However, I have the sneaking suspicion that even when I log on (IF I log on) after 7 days, there will be no message. Thinking like that is helping curb my craving, so...whatever works!

Captain's and my friend, Jules, expressed the desire to experience crazy love. I'm not sure she knows what she wold be getting herself into, but everyone is certainly entitled to a little irrationality in their lives. The problem with me is that I have no stabilizing factor. This is what I'm working on....

I ran into part of the Fabulous Five today and caught them up on on that latest with Soldier (he is the hot topic after all!). Seems I don't know how to PLAY. I go straight from clicking with someone to "I never want to be without you" (see, Jules, this is the crazy part). THIS could be a flaw....

Playing.... having a good time....not getting "serious".... all things I need to practice.

Now just someone to practice with.....

(9:08 p.m.)

Oh lord....if I make it through tonight.... It's actually a week today that all the crap started with Soldier. I'm halfway through the seven days today. Three more days to go! I'm gonna give the boy a bath and watch a movie.